Blackbirds

Dear Chester

I started listening to your music around 12 to 13 years back. I was a sad, lonely kid in school with no friends. Things at home were also kinda sucky. But your music, your words held me together. Every time i heard crawling in my skin, i cried, i wept like a sad little girl that i was. I remember having off days and listening to why does it feel like night today, something in here’s not right today. I broke down. Life didn’t make sense to me. But your songs, your words helped me understand that someone out there understands what it means to be down and out. To be hopeless. To be loveless.

I thought the world was out to get me because no matter what i did, the pain never went away. Those were the most difficult years of my life. And when i heard ‘i put on my daily facade but then i just end up getting hurt again by myself’, i got angry. First angry at the world. Then angry at myself for being angry at the world. Your words continued to heal me. Continued to put me back together.
Every song of yours that i discovered, spoke to me. How can it be that a person you’ve never met in person knows you inside out? Knows what you want, knows what you need and somehow magically gives it to you even from a thousand miles away.

From every thing you say to me takes me one step closer to the edge to my december. From leave out all the rest to wretches and kings. Literally each and every song of yours is etched in my soul. In a way you are a part of my soul. You helped me become a better person. You helped me by just being there when no one else would. And now you’re gone. You’ve killed yourself, or thats what they say. And it kills me inside. This heavy sinking feeling that came along with the horrible news of you being no more, refuses to go. Then i put on Meteora. And there they are, your words, your voice, your wisdom. Still there, even though you are not. Still there to put me back together. Still there to heal me and to help me move on. But i will never move on.

I am sorry this world was not good to you. I am sorry you felt so helpless. You gave me hope, inspiration and the will to go on. Even though it was rage, but i guess thats exactly what we needed to break through. You were a symbol of strength for me. I have looked up to you ever since i was sad lonely girl. And 12-13 years later when i heard about you leaving this world, i still feel like that sad little girl who doesn’t know how to react to this news. But dearest Chester, you will always live on. Live on in my soul. Live on in the countless million souls that you have uplifted. Live on with your beautiful music – which will uplift more countless souls even though you’re not with us in flesh. Flesh is over rated anyway, you were always all about the soul anyway. And your soul was one of the most if not the most beautiful souls ever. I hope you are in a better place because you deserve nothing less than that. You were too good for this ugly ass world anyway. I am sorry the world wasn’t kinder to you. I am sorry you were sad. I am sorry because damn you deserved fucking better.

Thank you for making me the person that i am today. I will forever be in debt to you and your music. You were my best friend and i wish i had the right words to tell you how fucking sad it makes me to know that this world doesn’t have you in it anymore.

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